We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
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After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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