I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just pynch a tree in the face
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
