OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
