The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
