note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
