Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize