i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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