Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
