Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
