I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
