SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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