I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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