i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
