it's too hot outside to masturbate.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
