bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I smell stomach acid.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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