Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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