If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
