nut hugger
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
