Are we in a gay sports bar?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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