i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
