I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
