I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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