so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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