I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
