Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
