I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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