im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
