I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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