I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
