you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
