if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
