I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
