O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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