I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
