Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
