So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
