I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
