I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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