if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
