you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
