I think scott just propositioned me for sex
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
