Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
