There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
