I just saw a hot homeless man
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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