I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
