i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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