Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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