I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
