Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
