No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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