Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Alive.
So much puke
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
