Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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