so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
